Because of my personal experience in this field, I feel I can pretty quickly discern the quality of an idea presented by someone else. I recently had the good fortune of finding, at a friend's recommendation, a list of Life Altering Tips. It's funny how people define things, isn't it? Personally, I would have billed them as Worthless Ideas right from the start.
Anyway, about once every 3 months my accrued Time to Waste adds up to a whole five minutes or so, and I think this last quarter had either a blue moon or a glitch in the time-space continuum, or my minutes rolled over or something, because I had about a half-hour just sitting there ready to be sucked up and I was able to take a shot at field testing these Worthless Ideas. Part of it was just for kicks. Part of it was to prove how Very Worthless they actually are. In other words, I wasted my time in order to save yours.
I invited one of my sisters to help with my experiments and she eagerly agreed. I will affectionately refer to her as Hyberbole henceforth and anytime I ever use her as a prop on this blog. She has a few sides to her. Here are three of them:
|surely you jest.|
|what, you don't leave YOUR long underwear on to take a bath?|
|walking through a parking lot in a dress & heels without tripping? yep, I'd feel that excited, too.|
On with the show.
Worthless Idea #1: The Bagel Tote.
|it's called a sandwich baggie. how Useful is that?!|
But then I got to thinking: if not motivated by the inexplicable desire to keep pieces of junk around - that is, a CD spindle in your kitchen cabinet instead of your recycling bin - why would someone want to tote their bagel in a CD spindle, anyway? Clearly they don't know how indestructible they are. Clearly they think their bagel will be smashed if they throw it in their lunchbag or purse. Allow me to lay this idea to rest once and for all: it's almost impossible to squash a bagel. We tried.
Our first experiment was to stack several hefty reference & textbooks atop this bagel. The bagel sat unfazed.
|a new Useful reason to keep around old textbooks.|
I then asked Hyperbole to sit on the bagel, and for good measure I gave her the textbooks to hold, just for added weight. This is approximately 150 pounds on top of a bagel.
We squashed the bagel - at least, one side of it.
Worthless Idea #2: Doritos Kindling.
Worthless Idea #3: The Pants Hanger Turned Cookbook Holder.
But my cookbooks don't really look like that. They look like this:
And if yours do too, then using a pants hanger to prop them open is one fantastic disaster.
Here's what you get:
Worthless Idea #4: Chilled Grapes Instead of Wine.
here really read: "This is a great tip that actually works if you're in too much of a hurry to chill your wine." And that's a great tip if you already have frozen grapes handy. I'm pretty sure I thought "Oh darn, I don't have enough time to chill this wine...I'll just go freeze grapes instead because that will be SO MUCH FASTER!!!!!" at the same time I wished for something to tote my bagel. No picture on this one, because I'm not going to sit in my freezer taking pictures of a freezing race between grapes and wine. I'd rather watch paint dry.
Worthless Idea #5: Forking Oreos.
This experiment was an absolute disaster. I had martyred Oreos all over my countertop and floor. Hyperbole had a lapful of crumbs. Maybe she is just a slob. Maybe this idea is terrible. You be the judge:
|NOT HELPFUL that half the cookie broke off right away.|
|taking the plunge.|
|what's this? the milk destroyed what was left?|
|a second try, this time the milk proving even more destructive. but where's the rest of the Oreo?|
|oh, there it is. gross.|
|an inherent flaw: the fork splits apart the cookie before even touching the milk.|
|check out those pieces of cookie tragically drowning due to fork failure.|
|"maybe I'm stabbing them the wrong way. maybe if I go THROUGH the cookie..."|
|nope, that doesn't work, either.|
|finally speared the Oreo sideways.|
|and it was lost entirely.|
|you'd feel this sad, too, if your fork was conspiring against you to ruin your cookies.|
Worthless Idea #6: The Condiments Caddy.
The bottled/jarred condiments are self-containing, so there's no clean-up at the end of the BBQ anyway. Just cap them and put them back in the fridge. I don't want to be the person stuck scooping leftover condiments back into their jars and still have a muffin tin to wash. And the only sliced sandwich veggies I've ever seen are on a paper plate. Don't be deceived. This idea creates more work. Plus, it's like a big IHATEYOU message from the universe if you happen to not prefer all of those condiments on your burger, because some idiot is going to use one spoon to spread all three of them. Condiment cross contamination is a big no-no in my book. Of course, I also don't like my food touching. Unless it's a casserole and the chicken is supposed to touch the rice.
Worthless Idea #7: Pancakes from a Ketchup Bottle.
Anyway, we discovered to no great surprise that it is quite the opposite of a no-mess experience. It was more like an extra-mess experience. Check it out:
|I didn't have an empty ketchup bottle, so I substituted. I don't think it affected the outcome.|
|this is for real.|
|not quite no-mess.|
On that note, remember the Very-Very Bad Idea I alluded to involving waffles? This was another idea I started out thinking was just going to be so great. I was pregnant with Half-Pint and filling our chest freezer with foods we could easily heat up in the weeks following her arrival. My girls love waffles for breakfast, and I thought I could produce more homemade waffles at a better cost efficiency than buying 10 boxes of toaster waffles.
I quickly found out I was a horrible waffler. I exploded my waffle iron twice and I had waffle carnage all over my countertop.
|clean-up in aisle 9!|
I should've just bought 10 boxes of toaster waffles. Plus, mine taste gross and they kind of smell like fish. I don't know why.
Sally forth, citizens, and use your time wisely. Don't spend it on Worthless Ideas when I can do that for you.