Tuesday, July 16, 2013

confessions: so this is real life

There are just some things NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT when it comes to parenthood.

I mean, let's get real. Everybody knows you're going to have some sleepless nights. Everybody knows that babies have poopy diapers and that's kind of gross. Everybody knows not to hold a baby above their face or else they'll get puked on. [And yet, some people do it anyway. The kind of people that are idiots?]

Here's something NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT. That sometimes, you'll go to a restaurant that has one of those ball pits that you have to take your shoes off for. Your kids will probably have their shoes off by the time you get into the restaurant even if you're nowhere near the ball pit. If you survive the E. Coli and your kids do too, then inevitably they'll need to put their shoes on before you go home. And because your five-year-old of course picked THE MOST COMPLICATED SHOES ON THE PLANET, just getting them back on her feet is like trying to get out of a straightjacket, except in reverse.

So you squat down and use both your hands to try to help her with the shoes. I specifically mention both your hands because you had been using both your hands to hold your baby who can't do anything on her own except smile and poop, and sometimes both at once which means she probably has a very good future as a multi-tasker. So where is your baby at this point? Remember you're squatting? Well, you have said baby compressed between your knee and your collarbone. Right as she's about to LOSE HER MIND squawking because really, that's not very comfortable for anyone as evidenced by the fact we never see anybody positioned like this at their leisure, your five-year-old FREAKS OUT because you've just apparently amputated her pinky toe while trying to get on a shoe you've cursed under your breath about 872 times in 3 minutes. Who even knows where the three-year-old is at this point. She might be eating off some stranger's plate. Or digging in their purse.

Feel enlightened, friends. Who else is gonna fill you in on the real facts of life? I've got your back. I've got your back like it's a towel I need to wipe up some graham cracker puke with.

In closing, I should mention that sometimes my kid licks the Walmart cart and that's worse than a ball pit.

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